[commentary] antithesis / synthesis
Oct. 28th, 2019 10:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rhodochrositeomg the feeling of finally posting this fic is incomparable... i haven't reread it since i hit post so idk if my feelings about it will change but i am currently rly proud of myself haha this is the longest oneshot i've ever written (unseating rtfbt) and the first one over 20k so i'm happy i hit this milestone for a nahyuck fic!! i put a lot of effort into making this one Good and getting it beta read and actually editing it as opposed to slam dunking onto ao3 and clicking post without preview as soon as i finished typing the last word T_T i really wanted to do my vision justice... Do It For The Nahyucklesbs etc but i think it was worth it overall? hopefully this will be a fic i still like upon reread and feel that i did well with
background writing process info:
some stuff i thought about that happens after the end of the fic:
construction stuff:
deleted lines (kindly ignore the way i didnt bother finishing sentences):
personal feelings on scenes:
full list of cameos:
jaeger index including copilot pairs i thought up but couldn't mention:
background writing process info:
- originally titled came back so late that it was light (metric - underline the black), then i changed it to if it's a little bit close (purity ring - stillness in woe), then i settled on ANTITHESIS / SYNTHESIS which is ofc from a yugioh episode title. but every time i get a comment notif email i feel like im being shouted at aufhjkgdfkjg
- noura prompted the au back in october 2018 and suggested that nahyuck shouldn't end up copilots (which is what i originally planned) for the extra Dynamics of it all:
- 'OH YEAH it was sth about like the tension of being intimate w someone when you're not inside their head After having the experience of being inside someones head in the first plac ebut also like. the anti tension? bc then nahyuck can go into the r/s without reading too much into everything' - noura, jan 2019
- '[jaemin is grievously injured and lost his copilot] haechan: i have to fuck the bones out of this guy' - also noura, jan 2019
- first scene i wrote was the dream scene near the end so you can probably understand why it took me so long to write anything else... i kept like opening the doc rereading that scene getting myself really bad and closing the doc again. ive always wanted to write smth focusing on ghost drift / dead copilot partners / identity fuckery engendered by drifting if i was ever going to write a pacrim au so i picked renjun in order to maximise the emotional anguish for myself too lol
- thank you cee for prompting nahyuck fighting over steamed bun + a boy (jeno)
- the amt of doxxing lmfaooo i kept being like *has a life experience* *writes it in* so like... chocolate cafe = guylian chocolate cafe next to town hall station, club = embassy @ hilton, pier where jmjn have d&m = circular quay, mango drink from renjun's memory as dreamed by haechan = extremely disappointing experience i had in xiamen it really tasted like nothing but it looked so cool T_T, shanghai jian bao haechan buys jaemin = one from the shop near event cinemas on george st
some stuff i thought about that happens after the end of the fic:
- jisung and chenle are the technicians who transfer to sydney in the last section. jaemin WILL pilot again and it will be with jisung. jaeger name luna dancer (after the yugioh monster lunalight cat dancer)
- i really want markno to at least hook up somehow but im not sure how that would work logistically since theyre stationed on opposite sides of the world. umm maybe after luna dancer starts operating rise falcon gets cleared for a short vacation and haechan goes to visit mark in vancouver and brings jeno along...
- dia is like going ham over utopia ray's transfer to shanghai so i will leave the junseokhaoing to her
construction stuff:
- the biggest Theme ig is memory, and love as memory, and therefore love being like transferable via the drift just as memories are
- idk how to explain its like, renjun would not have been close to jeno if he wasnt jaemins copilot but over time that relationship grew independent of jaemin, tho it wouldnt have existed if it wasnt for him in the first place u know? its like how idol group friendships arise out of situational factors but it doesnt mean they arent or cant become genuine
- also idk if this was clear but the reason jaemin is so upset over the changes that were made to rise falcon is that it makes it harder to remember renjun as he was with the original rise falcon. but in the end it is the sword haechan added to rise falcon that renjun/rise falcon deploys that saves the lives of the ppl most important to jaemin
- an extension of the love/memory/drift/sparring thing is that sparring is therefore a conduit for love which i kind of joked around with in all the comparisons of haechans kwoon room compatibility sessions to like a dating show
- memory as a physiological/instinctive thing rather than something conscious also important bc everything about muscle memory re: sparring, drift, ghost drift, rise falcon herself etc etc i personally havent actually decided whether renjun is actually haunting rise falcon or if rise falcon is just retaining an imprint of him or if its ghost drift stuff or some freaky combo of the above
- and generally theres a lot of strong personification of rise falcon / identification of rise falcon with her copilots eg jaemin's 'This was how you made yourself look unbreakable even after your counterweight had crashed into the water. His shoulder twinged.' mirrors rise falcon, and 'That perfect trust in your body that was your copilot’s body that was your jaeger.'
- also depersonalisation of the body / body as a vessel eg 'He needs a fucking break. No, that isn’t true: he only wants one, or at least his body does.'
- the other big theme is letting go - renjun letting go of jaemin in the ocean (to save jaemins life) vs jaemin dreaming that it was him who let go of renjun (to regain some sense of control over things) vs jaemin self sabotaging his relationship with haechan bc He Cant Let Go If I Let Go First ! vs renjun letting go of jaemin in jaemins dream at the end
- basically: things that are different are not always worse / change can sometimes be for the better. . .
- orpheus and eurydice story jaemin references in the scene where he sees the new rise falcon for the first time - at the start he doesnt turn around bc hes already facing rise falcon and walking /towards/ her, whereas at the end he turns around to face /away/ from rise falcon and walk away. its also what hes referring to when he says 'the one who turns to look back' in the s^x scene
- the two video calls mirror each other - the first one is jaemin telling mark hes capable of caretaking, and the second one is jaemin being taken care of
- the opening and ending kaiju attacks also mirror each other - at the start the kaiju defeats rise falcon by tearing off her arm, but at the end rise falcon defeats the kaiju by tearing off its arm, + the same use of cinema technique language
- identity fuckery caused by ghost drift - i think i laid it out pretty explicitly in the fic but 'there’s no way Jaemin could ever mistake Donghyuck for anyone else' is very important, i didnt want there to be any ambiguity over whether jaemin liked haechan as haechan or haechan as a replacement for renjun. writing this fic rly made me fanatical anulhpx raqtnzr adherent
- i also wanna point out 'When he scrubbed the stamp off in the bathroom sink afterwards it left a stain on the back of his hand like a birthmark.' hehehehe (the stamp was the shape of a kaiju if it wasnt obvious)
- theres a couple of associations of renjun with birds too and not just the jaeger name hehehe My agenda
deleted lines (kindly ignore the way i didnt bother finishing sentences):
“The Ghost Drift,” Jaemin gasps out, against Donghyuck’s mouth. “Jeno—”
“Doesn’t matter, Jeno won't mind
- originally the s^x scene was set after dongjens first drop in rise falcon (w haechan riding off that adrenalin high) so they mentioned jenos presence via ghost drift... but then i was like i should make this emotionally wretched so i changed the scene order so they f^ck before they get together for real
娜娜: hey
娜娜: u busy rn?
August: WHAT!! HI!!!! NO NOT BUSY!!!!!!!
August: ^ yiren sorry
August: but not busy at all and never too busy for you
August: what’s up?
娜娜: can i call u ㅠ~ㅠ
August: sure
August: like now?
娜娜: yeah! one sec~~
- cxk/jaem message convo from the start of shanghai shatterdome video call scene, i deleted it bc the voicing felt really off
- lmao the pyrophane brand single paragraph introspection scene insert... i deleted it bc it felt kind of unnecessary esp bc i think it thematically covers the same ground as the jmrn dream scene at the end
- written for the nahyuck reconciliation scene at the end but then i didnt end up using it... i want to make More of haechan offstage shyness
"It’s funny,” Jaemin says. “I always thought if I ever piloted it’d be with Jeno.”
“And then there was Renjun,” Donghyuck says.
“And then there was Renjun,” Jaemin agrees. “You know what he was like, you’ve seen it
- also for the nahyuck reconciliation scene but yeah couldnt find a use for it and i think the voicing seems off to me
- one of the first lines i wrote in the fic but i just could not figure out where to place it so i deleted it
personal feelings on scenes:
- the opening scene certainly exists ig lmao i always have trouble with opening scenes and i think this one is like, not bad but not especially good either. u can tell i struggled bc theres random light imagery in the literal first paragraph and i generally slap on light imagery like a bandaid anywhere i have trouble thinking of what to say. i also wanted to start setting up jmjn best friends dynamic and jaemin virgo venusisms
- i struggled a lot with dialogue especially and connecting parts of scenes together to make one cohesive section and i feel like it shows but this time i actually asked for beta help so it could have been worse
- ok u guys prob saw how much i complained about the s^x scene on twt while i was writing it but it was genuinely the most difficult porn ive ever written i cannot stand nahyuck crazy switch vers asses like the amount of top/bottom flipping.... im powerdynamicsfucker69 yes but im on that deeper level where unsubverted power dynamics are Good Actually and certainly easier to write ::crying emoj:: and i wanted to write jaemleft and complete my september series of Jaemin Putting It In 00z but i couldnt suspend my disbelief as to why jaemin would 1) have the necessary supplies in his room 2) not be safe. but thank you to all nouras and dias for helping me out on wtf they actually be doing with each other
- and icb i put myself thru writing a sparring scene directly before it too like i love to read fight sex but ACTION IS SO HARD TO WRITE
- the ending (last 2 scenes) literally one of the sappiest ive ever written which is not really saying that much but fr its sooo sappy i dont think ill be able to reread it but whatever, nahyuck deserve
- scene where jaemin dreams about renjun near the end is my fave... i do think its one of the best/most emotionally impactful things ive ever written bc ive reread it soooo many times thru the course of writing since it was the first scene i wrote and it still feels special to me TT
- my other fave lines:
- 'The moment his arms went around Jaemin’s waist a memory that wasn’t his resurfaced, double vision: Junhui, years younger and laughing, lifting him off the ground, you’re the size of a feather, didn’t you say last time you were going to catch up to me? Jaemin let it play through, and then he shelved it away.' 2jun agenda jun lifting his friends agenda
- 'Process of unearthing, or earthing. There was never anything to bury in the first place. Physics classes back at the academy, Jeno explaining a resisted motion problem to him lying on the lower bunk in their dorm, a light voice cutting in from the doorway. What’s the terminal velocity of a body falling through water three metres below the surface of the ocean? Ten metres? Twenty? What sound does it make, to let go?' im sure u can tell i was marking 4u resisted motion papers at the time i wrote this but i rly like it, physics metaphors make me so happy to write dkfjghdfj
- 'An entire ocean apart Jaemin’s body echoed Renjun’s like a harmonic wrung out by resonance. // Receiver for a homing signal transmitted all the way from the ocean floor.' the way i had to break out my 1st yr physics textbook again to check whether i was using resonance in the right context... but im sooo proud of this particular image hehe
- 'His palms itch. Three sets of the same sense memory feather over one another, smooth wooden staff in his hands, Renjun’s hands, Donghyuck’s hands.' i think this was a good blend of physicality + identityfuckerydrift theme
- '“I bulk-bought a two-hundred-pack last week,” Junhui says. “I’ve been paying for everything in sheetmasks, really revolutionised the Shatterdome barter economy!”' sometimes i amaze myself w my mind... zzt iconic sheetmask gremlinisms perfect combination with that time jun bulk bought all those face masks
full list of cameos:
- everglow: yiren, onda, sihyeon
- nine percent (former): xukun, zhengting
- itzy: yuna
- shinee: taemin
- rocket girls: yamy (marshall guo), xuanyi (marshall wu), meiqi (marshall wu's supermodel/mma champion wife)
- seventeen: jun, 8, seokmin
- red velvet: yeri
- the boyz: hwall
- twice: chaeyoung
- weki meki: doyeon, yoojung, lucy, suyeon
- i didn't have anyone specific in mind for the girl jaemin meets at the club so feel free to pick your preferred idol girl
- omg i was trying to give cindi rights with the mention of kun's secret bf / cat but i forgot i already gave ten a cameo role as ausline fake id dealer.... ummm maybe it can be yanan
- also irene is the marshall of the busan shatterdome i couldn't figure out how to slot that in
jaeger index including copilot pairs i thought up but couldn't mention:
- rise falcon: renjun+jaemin (shanghai) -> haechan+jeno (sydney)
- tyrant archfiend: onda+sihyeon (sydney)
- obelisk torment: cxk+yiren (shanghai)
- thousand restrict: jun+zzt (hong kong->shanghai)
- utopia ray: 8+seokmin (los angeles -> shanghai)
- cyber angel: mark+haechan (never eventuated) -> doyeon+yoojung (busan)
- starve venom: taeyong+yuta (busan) -> taeyong+mark (vancouver)
- luna dancer: jaemin+jisung (sydney, but maybe they transfer away idt sydney needs 3 jaegers)
- crystal wing: fcc+justin (hong kong)
- iron knight: yeji+ryujin (los angeles)
- time gazer: coups+nayoung (busan)
no subject
Date: 2019-10-28 12:42 am (UTC)i never left u a comment on the actual fic bc i was kinda just enjoying it w/ the rest of the tl and the main feeling i did get from it was like... the fragmented way every experience was filtered thru jaemin's grieving/disoriented perspective, so it was kind of hard to put a comment into words, but it def came across how thematically dense the story was so i feel like you really nailed the execution on it
ALSO omfg i was going to yell @ u about how icb you made junting copilots instead of zhengstin but then i was like The Drift Isn't The Most Important Thing In The World, It's Fine but now that i know justin's copiloting w/ fcc i'm just glad 2 hear that slut's still breathing
and wow i do not remember saying all that stuff about the tension of being intimate w someone when you're not inside their head but man i am so smart and be having valuable insights and shit... love that for me
no subject
Date: 2019-10-28 07:46 am (UTC)